Finding True Belonging
There’s a reason you don’t feel like you belong, despite how hard you try to fit in.
Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Belonging requires authenticity. And authenticity requires vulnerability.
In order for you to feel true belonging, you must risk rejection by showing who you are, and when you’re accepted for your authentic self, you will feel belonging.
The problem is most of us are running around scared, terrified of vulnerability.
Which comes as no surprise.
Rejection hurts. Isolation hurts. Loneliness hurts.
But you know what else hurts?
Feeling self-conscious about every move you make. Never feeling a sense of belonging. Making decisions you think you “should” just to fit in. Sabotaging your goals and desires to please others or to fit in.
If any of that sounds familiar, here’s the good news: you’re not stuck.
If you’re accustomed to smothering your own desires, if you have no boundaries, or if you’re constantly hiding what you want and who you are…you can change.
You have a challenge ahead of you, but these are habits. And habits can always be changed.
The process of changing is simple. Not easy, but simple.
Here are four steps you can take to help you gain a sense of true belonging:
Get Curious
The first step to behavior change is self-awareness. Identify the emotions that arise and examine the motivations behind your behaviors.
When you put the opinions and needs of others first, what do you need? Are you seeking approval? Acceptance? How would you feel if you don’t get what you want? What’s the worst that could happen?
Start exploring your thoughts and feelings around what others think. One of the best ways to achieve clarity on these matters is to write down whatever arises in your stream of consciousness.
Get curious about the outcome as well. Often we project the worst scenarios without even realizing it.
For example: if you’re ordering food when you’re out with your friends, your first inclination might be to assume they will judge you for your choice. And that may be a valid guess. But there are other outcomes that are just as likely. Maybe they won’t care. Maybe you’ll inspire your friend to order what they want rather than what they’ve been telling themself they “should” eat. Don’t assume there’s only one outcome.
Recognize Your Worth
One of the reasons social rejection is so terrifying is because we are afraid of revealing our unworthiness of love and belonging. The glaring problem with that line of thinking is, if you’re a human (which you are), then you’re already inherently worthy of love and belonging. No matter who you are, no matter what your past is like.
This doesn’t mean that everyone will like and accept you. Plenty of people will not like you. Plenty of people don’t like me. That doesn’t mean I suck and I’ll never find people that accept me. Not being liked by someone isn’t a bad thing, because there are other people who will be attracted to you for the same reasons that others aren’t, whether it’s your looks, your political views, or because you don’t get the hype about dogs.
Take it Step by Step
Putting yourself out there is still scary, but there’s no need to dive into the deep end of the pool. Think about what your end goal is: is it to be able to say no to drinks when you’re out with your girls at a wine bar? To speak up for what you need in a relationship? To put more of yourself out there to attract more clients?
Regardless of your dream outcome, try breaking things down into smaller goals:
Let’s say you’re trying to feel more comfortable giving presentations in work environments—your boss has asked you to present at a regional conference of hundreds of colleagues, but your palms sweat and your voice shakes when you’re in front of your own team of five.
The first step might be participating more in group discussions or meetings. The second step might be to present an idea in front of a single person. Then to stand up in front of a group of peers, or your department. Then to give a rehearsed presentation at the conference.
See how that works? Dip your toes in and practice first, and don’t move onto the next stage until you feel comfortable in the one you’re at, so that you’re gradually exposing yourself to new challenges and stretching your limits.
After each experience that stretches your comfort zone, take some time to reflect on how things went, what you could improve, and your thoughts and feelings about the event.
Build a SMALL Inner Circle
Instead of waiting for other people to bestow a sense of belonging upon you, take the responsibility upon yourself. Start with one person and build a relationship with them. Reach out to them instead of waiting for them to do so first. Make plans with them. Give gifts if that’s one of your love languages. And see who reciprocates.
If developing close friendships hasn’t happened to you by accident, make one happen on purpose. Your inner circle—people whom you feel exceptionally close to—will likely remain small. One, two, maybe three people—and that’s NOT a bad thing. We simply don’t have enough room in our lives to form numerous close relationships. We don’t have the time, energy, or emotional space. But we also don’t need more than a few people to feel supported and connected in the world.
If you feel deeply self-conscious in certain situations, you’re not going to be able to wake up tomorrow and stop giving a shit. But using these four tips, you’ll be able to overcome those feelings, and practice vulnerability and authenticity.
Not only will you feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin, you’ll find others around you that embrace who you are, leading to a sense of belonging that’s simply impossible to acquire when you mold yourself to fit in.
This article was originally published on August 2, 2019 and was revised on December 15, 2022.