Dealing with Dickheads When You’re Trying to Grow
Some people won’t like it when you succeed in changing…
When you start drinking less and eating less fun food (fried food, packaged snacks, sweets of all sorts).
When you spend more time at the gym and with the friends you meet there.
When you refuse to participate in the criticism of people’s bodies, including your own.
When you opt out of diet-hopping and discussing the merits of everything that goes into your mouth.
Over the years, I’ve had so many students tell me that after experiencing success in these regards—which we all know takes a lot of HARD work—they’ve received a smattering of negative comments from friends, family members, acquaintances, and coworkers.
Why Some People Are Dickheads
No matter who it’s coming from, these sorts of comments hurt. But it’s so important to remember that these comments come from someone that is hurting. When someone lashes out to bring you down, it is only when they are in some kind of internal turmoil themselves.
People who are happy, proud, satisfied, confident in themselves…they don’t try to drag people down—especially those who deserve praise and congratulations for their accomplishments.
Sometimes this aggression comes from a place of self-defense. When someone feels insecure about something, be it their actions, their body, their position—your success can seem like a threat or a reminder that they are not experiencing the same thing. You have something they want.
Or it might feel like you’re outgrowing them, and because they’re not changing in similar ways, they’re being left behind.
How to Respond to Haters
One option is to respond to people like this calmly, and with empathy—again, because people only lash out when they are hurt, not when they feel successful and fulfilled. And even when someone is being an asshole, even then they don’t deserve to be treated poorly. These people are often the ones that need kindness the most, because they’re not getting it from themselves.
Your other option is not to engage them at all. You don't have to answer prodding questions or respond to their comments. One-word answers are perfectly acceptable here.
Here’s what I shared with one of my former nutrition clients about dealing with negativity over her progress:
It’s important to try to ignore what anyone else’s agenda is, and not to let them bring down YOUR victories. Deep down, you know that you have put in the work. In the gym, in your nutrition, in taking care of yourself, and pushing yourself, so the ONLY thing you deserve is to feel proud, and to feel good.
It’s unfortunate she couldn’t support you. But it’s not your fault and something like that always stems from an internal battle the other person is facing, whether they’ve let on about it before or not. Since it’s out of your control, it’s best to keep your own focus on yourself and what you DO have control over.
It’s so frustrating for me as a coach to hear that the people that are working so hard and that are doing things worth celebrating are getting negative comments instead of praise or even, “hey I noticed you’re making a lot of progress, what have you been doing differently?” Change is hard already, and we should all be pushing one another to be better, rather than trying to drag anyone down no matter where they—or we—are at.
Two Ways to Combat the Negativity
If you feel yourself getting sucked into the muck by backhanded comments, here are two easy ways of combating the negativity WITHOUT getting involved in a petty argument with a hater:
Think about what you’ve accomplished lately or how you’ve acted in a way that you feel proud of, and rather than moving quickly on to your next task or goal, take some time to savor that feeling, even if you don’t feel close to your next goal.
Think of a friend, family member, or colleague that has done something they’re proud of or that you think they should be proud of, and take a minute to recognize their effort with a call, text, message—or tell them to their face.
Changing the way you feel doesn’t mean changing how someone else acts. You cannot control others and you’re not responsible for how they feel or act.
But like changing your mindset, coping productively with antagonistic comments or lack of support doesn’t come from practicing it once.
In Food Body Self coaching, we provide the structure and education to reframe your thoughts inside an encouraging environment so you can not only achieve positive results, you can disengage from the haters, and revel in the camaraderie of the Food Body Self community.
Remember: Unhappy people try to drag others down.
Thriving individuals lift each other up.
This article was originally published on January 17, 2019 and was revised on January 19, 2022.