Your Negative Emotions Aren’t Really Negative
The more you try to run from your negative emotions, the worse you’re going to feel.
Most people spend an extraordinary amount of time trying to escape feeling bad.
But in this valiant attempt to feel better, they end up feeling worse.
Emotional eating is just one example, in which food is used to smother feelings like anxiety, loneliness, disappointment, etc. But rather than removing those underlying emotions, you still feel bad, but now with an extra helping of guilt on top.
In addition, when you use unhealthy coping mechanisms—whether that’s eating, alcohol, shopping, watching tv, social media, or whatever your favorite flavor of escape is—you ALSO don’t resolve the underlying issues that are causing the negative emotions.
For example, if you feel a sense of meaninglessness, rather than exploring other activities, you spend your time doom-scrolling on your phone or binging Netflix shows. Immediate gratification, which quickly rids you of any discomfort, takes the front seat over solving the deeper problem.
Here’s the catch though:
Your so-called “negative” emotions aren’t really negative—they’re just uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable emotions are equally valuable and necessary as “positive” (aka comfortable) emotions, and you can use your full spectrum of emotions to your benefit.
Reframing Your Negative Emotions
You can start using uncomfortable emotions to your advantage by reframing (and rephrasing) them. I no longer refer to emotions as “positive” and “negative,” instead referring to them as “comfortable” and “uncomfortable.”
Similarly, your emotions aren’t “good” or “bad.” Some of them are just easier to feel than others. But they ALL have a message for you, if you’re listening.
To grasp a better understanding of this idea of “emotions as messengers,” we have to look at feelings in the larger context of human behavior.
If you consider that humans, as a species, are “programmed” to seek comfort and avoid discomfort, then uncomfortable emotions make a lot more sense.
All uncomfortable emotions are, are messages telling us what to seek and what to avoid.
Seems pretty obvious, right?
Here’s how that looks in practice:
Feeling sadness is often due to a loss of something. That might be loss of a person (via death or rejection), a pet, a material object, an opportunity or circumstance (like a job), and so on.
When you feel sad over the loss of a relationship, it is a sign of how important human connection is to your sense of well-being. It is a reminder to you to practice and express gratitude toward your loved ones, and a motivator to seek out and deepen relationships.
When you feel sad over the loss of a job opportunity, that is an indicator that what you believed you stood to gain from that job, be it a higher salary or sense of importance or purpose, was considered of value to you. You can use that information to your benefit, as a glimpse into your value system, and a map as to what to prioritize seeking as you continue your search.
As you glimpsed in the previous examples, emotions can motivate us to take important actions: seeking relationships, expressing gratitude, job hunting, etc.
Similarly, if you’re constantly feeling bulldozed in your relationship and you find yourself getting angry at your partner, your anger can motivate you to talk to them about your boundaries and needs. If you’re feeling stressed about finances, your anxiety can motivate you to create a budget.
If all you’re doing when an emotion arises is trying to get rid of it, you are quite literally missing the message.
Every emotion has a message.
Loneliness often indicates we are missing connection. Embarrassment and self-consciousness tell us we value acceptance. Anger is often aroused by a sense of unfairness. Fear is a prediction that we may be in danger.
Whereas uncomfortable emotions tell us what to avoid, comfortable emotions tell us what to seek. Joy, pride, excitement, belonging, etc. tell us that we’ve gotten it right.
So rather than avoiding your uncomfortable emotions by pushing them away, displacing them, or smothering them, what if you allowed them to be present and instead asked, “What message does this feeling have for me?”
Stop Choosing Uncomfortable Emotions
Human psychology is funny because sometimes we intentionally choose uncomfortable emotions. Like when, in a moment of joy, you catch yourself wondering when the other shoe will drop—you’re suddenly aware of a sense of impending dread that will come crashing down on your happy moment.
This happens because emotions and thoughts are habitual, just in the same way behaviors are habitual. You may have noticed this already—emotions we feel regularly can become associated with our personalities.
Have you met someone with a “short fuse” who experiences habitual anger? Or someone that has a habit of thinking anxious thoughts—an “anxious person”? Perhaps you’ve been in the habit of thinking self-critical thoughts, and you regularly feel shame or guilt?
The habit of thinking thoughts that arouse uncomfortable emotions can be a tough one to break for a few reasons. First, the majority of our thoughts flit through our minds unnoticed. We’re not always aware of them. Therefore, it’s easier to think what comes up automatically rather than to choose new, deliberate thoughts.
And second, it’s easier to stick with uncomfortable emotions when they’re familiar to us due to fear of the unknown. Fear is a powerful emotion, and the unknown can often seem intolerable. We’d rather stick with what we know than try out something new.
If you recognize yourself here, the first step is to increase your self-awareness. When you’re feeling [anxious, guilty, frustrated, etc.], turn your attention toward your thoughts and notice what’s there.
The next steps are dependent upon your personal situation, but might involve increasing your capacity for feeling comfortable emotions, re-evaluating the thoughts that led to your initial uncomfortable emotion, increasing your ability to tolerate distress, employing self-soothing techniques…I can’t tell you exactly what will be most helpful without knowing more about you and your situation.
Feeling the whole spectrum of emotions is a crucial life skill.
Feeling ignored or unheard is hurtful, and it’s equally destructive when you ignore what’s arising in your own mind and body because it’s uncomfortable for you to experience.
But if you’re willing to feel them, not only can your emotions not hurt you, they will teach you how to live a rich, thriving, self-actualized life without self-sabotaging through unhealthy coping mechanisms.
If you’re ready to stop running and start feeling, direct your attention to your internal experience.
And commit to the full ride.