Self-Acceptance In Health And Fitness: Harmful Or Helpful?
Daniel Harrod is an online coach, author, and huge fan of rest periods in the gym. He helps people work on their mindset and relationship with food and exercise, and—should the conditions be right—move people towards any body composition goals they have. He has won coaching awards and is funny. You can find out more about him here: www.danielharrod.com
Spend more than five minutes scouring your social media feeds, and you’ll often wind up in a frenzy of anxiety, stress, and the omnipresent feeling that you’re simply not good enough to exist in this thing we call life.
Why does everyone else have more money than me? Why is everyone going on more holidays than me? Why is everyone thinner and healthier than me? Why am I the only one without a dog?
What’s wrong with me?
We, therefore, become obsessed with accomplishments and social acceptance. We try to establish our worth as individuals through the things we do and the actions we take. We seek perfection to live up to the standards we see others reaching.
It’s also why people will feel the constant desire to be thinner, leaner, and more muscular than they currently are.
Unfortunately, this outlook on life—and our bodies—is leading us down a rabbit hole of problems.
We are unable to separate the judgments of our accomplishments—and bodies—from the judgements of ourselves.
And when the inevitable crash of failure hits—whether that be overeating, missing a gym session, or not making progress as we wish—we internalise that there’s something wrong with us.
That we’re the problem.
Of course, this isn’t the case.
What’s the answer to this ever-present burden, then?
Hopping on board the road to self-acceptance.
What Is Self-Acceptance?
Unconditional self-acceptance is when we ‘fully and unconditionally accept ourselves, whether or not we behave intelligently, correctly, or competently, and whether or not people approve of, respect, or love us’ [1].
While it’s easy to accept the ‘good’ or valuable parts of ourselves, the true challenge comes in embracing the ‘bad’ or negative parts.
We must first acknowledge that we possess undesirable traits and habits before we start the journey to self-improvement—whether physical or mental.
Whereas most people who overeat will blame their ‘lack of discipline’, or should they not enjoy exercise, they believe they’re ‘not motivated’, or because they gained weight they assume they’re a ‘failure’, those who are self-accepting do not let these mishaps define them.
They accept overeating instances, missing the gym, and weight gain as normal.
That needing to work on these facets of life is actually a good thing.
Unconditional self-acceptance is understanding that you are separate from your actions and your qualities [2].
We no longer blame ourselves for mishaps but instead rate those individual actions and traits exclusively, therefore increasing the opportunity to change and improve [3].
-> “I overate not because I’m not disciplined, but because managing hunger and fullness cues is hard”
-> “I missed my gym session not because I’m not motivated, but because staying adherent all the time is incredibly challenging”
-> “I may have gained weight, but that’s not necessarily a negative because I got stronger and managed to respect my boundaries while out at the party this weekend”
We can now face the things we must work on without beating ourselves up.
Embracing our current selves doesn't imply a lack of motivation to pursue changes that can improve and enrich our lives.
The essence of self-acceptance lies independent of these potential alterations.
Securing self-acceptance doesn't necessitate specific actions; instead, it hinges on altering our perspective toward ourselves.
The decision to change behaviours becomes solely a matter of personal preference, detached from being a prerequisite for fostering greater self-esteem.
Is Self-Acceptance Helpful When Changing Health & Fitness Behaviours?
It’s no secret the health and fitness industry is erected on the rickety foundation of explicitly changing our bodies.
That, if we’re not always getting leaner, getting stronger, or, worse, ‘losing weight’, we’re failing. That we might as well not be doing anything.
This external form of motivation is, unfortunately, the lowest quality of motivation.
And so, when we’re not ‘making progress’ in line with these supposed achievements, we blame ourselves. We’re unable to separate those perceived physical accomplishments from who we are as individuals.
When we’re accepting of our bodies, our mistakes, and our lack of progress, however, we’re giving up that pursuit of ‘leaner, stronger, and thinner’ and, instead, accepting and caring for our bodies without the relentless expectation of changing it.
We’re then able to move forward with the tools we have—whether that be the exercise opportunities available to us, the physical limitations we have, or obstacles we must continually overcome—and still work towards improving behaviours, skills, and mindset shifts.
When we can transition to this internal form of motivation—through self-development and intrinsic enjoyment—we’re more likely to make healthy behavioural changes.
Unconditional self-acceptance allows us to create space to examine our weaknesses objectively—without blaming ourselves—and then providing us the opportunity to work on them if we wish.
-> ‘If I can’t get to the gym consistently, I am not a failure. I am a fallible human who has failed in this respect.’
-> ‘I’d like to be leaner than I am, but it isn’t essential that I be so. I am not worthless for not being as lean as I’d like. I am acceptable because I am alive, unique, and human.’
-> ‘I want to do well with my eating habits, but I don’t absolutely have to do so. If I don’t, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure. It means that I am an unrateable human being who has not done well in this area of life at this time.’
Isn’t Self-Acceptance Completely Giving Up?
There exists the common belief that self-acceptance equates to giving up.
That if we’re ‘accepting’ of ourselves—whether physical or mental—we succumb to staying the same or becoming stuck in periods of inaction. In the health and fitness world, this means perhaps holding onto more body fat than society likes, or not being as strong as we think we should, or not fitting into clothes we want to.
That, if we cultivate self-acceptance, we’re resigned to embracing the things we dislike.
Paradoxically, the opposite is true.
Self-acceptance allows us to stop beating ourselves up for, essentially, being human, and, instead, keep on striving to improve. We can still work to develop the parts of ourselves—or our journey—that aren’t where we’d like them to be.
It's important to remember that we don't have to be perfect to be acceptable.
When we let go of the desire to control our thoughts and feelings, we transition into a mindset that is less self-critical. We can approach our problem in a way that is calmer and more compassionate.
Instead of asking ourselves, ‘What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over this?’ We can say, ‘What is it that I need right now? What could I do to help myself?’
Doing so allows us to strive towards our desired accomplishments without shame or self-hatred.
We can take risks and keep trying because our entire self-worth isn’t crushed when we don’t make it.
People who accept themselves unconditionally are more protected from ego-provoking situations such as failure or rejection [4].
Self-Acceptance Is Helpful: Here’s How To Cultivate It
Display Self-Compassion
Becoming self-accepting necessitates that we appreciate that we—and our bodies—are not really to blame for anything.
Of course, we can take responsibility for actions moving forward, but if we’re to productively work on becoming more self-accepting, we must do so with compassion.
Self-acceptance is here-and-now-oriented, not future-oriented.
When we choose to discontinue the practice of self-evaluation and cease keeping a tally of our own scores, we open ourselves up to embracing a mindset of non-judgmental forgiveness.
By breaking free from the enduring tendency to constantly evaluate and revaluate our actions, and, instead, seeking to empathetically comprehend our past behaviours, we may discover that forgiveness actually becomes unnecessary.
While we can still commit to improving in the future, it becomes possible to accept ourselves unconditionally in the present—flaws and all.
Remember, You Are Not Defined By Your Body
To overcome the irrational thinking that leads to reduced self-acceptance, start by listing all the things your body can do and the things your body can’t do.
Then, create a new list and detail the things you, as an individual, do well and things you like about yourself, as well as things you don’t do well or don’t like about yourself.
Then consider:
-> Does this perceived ‘bad’ situation (mistake, failure, rejection, criticism) undermine my better qualities?
-> Does it make sense to conclude that ‘I am totally hopeless’ because of one or more negative things that have happened?
-> We tend to view our successes as ‘good’ and the failures as ‘bad’, but what if we appreciated that every situation is simply something to learn from?
It’s important to remember that you possess multiple identities and character traits, and these fluctuate and transform over time.
You are not defined by your body.
Not only will rating yourself as a person likely make you anxious and miserable, but it’s also impossible to do.
Switch Demands For Preferences
We all have an appreciation of what we’d like to achieve, either physically or mentally.
This is, of course, great, until we start to demand these achievements of ourselves. When we expect to ‘look that way’ or ‘think those things’, we create feelings of failure and overwhelm, and can also engage in self-sabotaging behaviours.
When we place excessive demands on ourselves (for example, ‘I must achieve…’ or ‘I must be successful at…’ or ‘I must act perfectly…’) we’re more likely to engage in behaviours such as comfort eating, medication use, and the tendency to engage in repetitive behaviours [5].
However, when we cultivate acceptance of the fact that we can’t always get what we want and, instead, adopt flexible assertions of what we want, those demands are removed.
Instead of, ‘I must succeed or else I am worthless,’ it’s, ‘I would prefer to succeed, but I am worthy either way.’
Instead of, ‘I must look this way, otherwise I’m failing, it’s, ‘I would prefer to look this way, but I accept this may not be entirely possible.’
Swap your demands for preferences.
Learn From Your Mistakes
When we set ourselves lofty achievements, we assume that anything below achieving this should be regarded as a failure.
That if we’re not ‘losing weight’ or ‘getting stronger’ then we’re bad people who deserve to fail.
Making mistakes, however, is an indication that one is willing to engage with the environment and try things even when the outcome is uncertain [6].
Failure is temporary. It’s nothing more than a quandary that indicates your actions didn’t turn out as you planned or expected.
It’s not a negative; it’s merely an opportunity to now improve.
To discover how you felt in the moment. To establish how you reacted to those feelings and the requirements for a stronger and more effective plan. To take an objective view of things without beating ourselves up for those mistakes.
The act of failure creates growth.
This ‘solution-oriented’ mindset will allow you to fail forwards. Through leveraging your mistakes, you’re able to avoid those same lapses next time, which, in turn, will help you keep striving towards your new identity, values, and goals.
References
1. Ellis, A. (1977). Psychotherapy and the value of a human being. In A. Ellis & R. Grieger (Eds.), Handbook of rational-emotive therapy (pp. 99–112). New York, NY: Springer.
2. Grieger, R. (2013). Unconditional self-acceptance: Be impeccable with yourself. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-purpose/201302/unconditional-self-acceptance
3. Bernard, M. (2011). Rationality and the pursuit of happiness. The legacy of Albert Ellis. Chichester: Wiley-Blackwell.
4. Davies, M. F. (2006). Irrational beliefs and unconditional self-acceptance. I. Correlational evidence linking two key features of REBT. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 24, 113–124.
5. Harrington, N. (2005). The Frustration Discomfort Scale: Development and psychometric properties. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 12(5), 374–387
6. Carson, S. H., & Langer, E. J. (2006). Mindfulness and self-acceptance. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 24(1), 29–43