My Unconventional Definition of Self-Love
I’ve been seeing a lot of misguided promotion for self-love lately. It’s usually a post along the lines of "you have to love yourself," or "put on your own oxygen mask first," in a whimsical font on a pastel-colored background (barf).
Just love myself! Why didn’t I think of that? Thanks, I’m cured. 🙄
Sometimes posts like these are even followed up with advice to take more bubble baths, get more massages, or have some tea when you feel stressed. Again, I wish it were that easy.
But self-love is not a decision. It’s a practice.
Although physical self-care can contribute to feelings of self-love, it’s not just about bath bombs and manicures.
Love is a feeling, but it is one that is reflective of a repeated action: sacrifice of comfort for the sake of care.
Love, for others or self, is a practice of caring that manifests in your thoughts, words, and actions. It’s not automatic. It’s not a temporary feeling. It’s grown. It’s dynamic. It expands or diminishes with your thoughts, words, and actions.
Self-love grows when you display care for yourself over and over—which looks an awful lot like delayed gratification.
What Self-Love Really Looks Like
By my unconventional definition—sacrifice of comfort for the sake of care—self-love might look like:
Choosing to cook a healthy meal at home when you feel like ordering takeaway
Going to the gym when you feel like staying home
Choosing not to have drinks with your friends because you know you’ll feel shitty tomorrow
Taking a day off work when you need the break
Self-love can also be in the form of setting boundaries, like saying no to social obligations you’re expected to go to but don’t feel excited about, saying no to a project or other commitment because you’re too busy, or turning your phone on airplane mode.
Forgiveness, gratitude, and compassion are all examples of the purely mental aspect of self-love.
Self-love can even be sitting down and debating your own limiting beliefs, those mental scripts you have that you may not even hear, but are crucial in the formation of your identity.
Limiting beliefs usually start with, "I’m not somebody who…" "I can’t…" "I’m not good at…" "I’m too…" "I’m always…" Debating limiting beliefs involves looking for evidence to the contrary, seeing them from other angles, and in some cases, to look for solutions or develop a plan to change.
Self-help gurus like to spew "just love yourself" because it’s a quick and easy answer. It’s a short-cut. In the age where "hacking" is the latest and greatest self-improvement fad, of course it sounds attractive.
But I’m not here to make growth look attractive. I’m not here for your views, your likes, or your clicks. I’m here to help you dig down to the root causes of your problems. I’m here to help you build consistency and resilience—and that’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
The truest thing about self-love is that there is no shortcut. Like all relationships, it takes work, and it takes time.
It’s only when you apply my unconventional definition of love to your self-care practice that you will reap the benefits: feeling more at peace, more connected to others, feelings of worthiness, higher creativity, lower stress, more productivity, better physical health, and so on.
Sometimes it sucks. That’s the sacrifice to get to the care. That’s how to love yourself.
Note: This article was originally published on April 12, 2019 and was revised on March 27, 2023.