What’s Your Self-Love Language?
When you’re in a relationship with someone, you want them to show you they love you rather than telling you, right?
Showing love means the most, which leads to a happy, thriving partnership.
Relationship coaches and marriage counselors have been studying exactly how we go about this process of showing love for decades.
In his book, The 5 Love Languages, marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes five ways people give and show love in romantic relationships, which he calls “love languages.”
But most relationship experts, including Chapman, tend to focus on interpersonal relationships, whereas I believe these five forms of emotional communication apply to your relationship with YOURSELF as well.
You can utilize love languages when you want to show a spouse, family member, friend—or you—that you love them.
And just like your relationship with someone else will deteriorate if you stop showing them that you love them, so will your relationship with yourself.
Without self-love, you run the risk of:
Getting overwhelmed and stressed out
Settling for, or getting stuck in unhealthy relationships
Letting fear drive your choices
Not making time for fun or feeling guilty for doing so
Obsessing over and criticizing yourself
Feeling unsure of who you are, not living up to your full potential, and
Feeling unlovable and unworthy
Self-love is as necessary to our well-being as interpersonal love.
Here is how you can use The 5 Self-Love Languages, inspired by The 5 Love Languages, to uncover your preferred ways to cultivate a positive, loving relationship with yourself:
The 5 Self-Love Languages
1. Quality Time
Quality time with yourself includes spending time alone, doing what you love, or involved in your hobbies (the latter two being alone or with others).
Examples: meditation, reading, making art, hobbies, playing games/music/sports, going out by yourself, getting up early to spend time alone, building Lego
2. Acts of Service
Acts of Service means getting help for yourself where you need it—either from yourself or others—so that your life feels easier, more structured, or more organized.
Examples: going to therapy or coaching, cleaning or hiring cleaners, delegating tasks, tidying or organizing, planning meals to make grocery shopping easier, paying bills, checking something off your to-do list
3. Physical Touch
Physical touch is anything that makes your body feel good or that supports your physical well-being.
Examples: Curling up with a soft blanket, wearing comfy clothes, getting a massage, going to a salon or spa, exercising, stretching, drinking water, eating nourishing foods, pleasuring yourself, taking a warm bath or shower, applying body lotion or oil
4. Receiving Gifts
Spend money on yourself or make something for yourself that brings you joy.
Examples: Buy yourself flowers, have a special meal, paint yourself a picture, buy something you really want, enroll in a class or course
5. Words of Affirmation
Use encouraging words to send a message of love, kindness, and compassion to yourself.
Examples: Positive self-talk, compliment yourself, note your favorite character traits, think of reasons you feel proud of yourself, write yourself a thank-you note
Discover Your Primary Self-Love Language
In The 5 Love Languages, author Gary Chapman suggests these questions to discover your own primary love language:
What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.
We can modify these questions to uncover your primary self-love language:
What do you do or fail to do for yourself that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
What do you most often plan to do or wish you had done for yourself? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
In what way do you regularly express love to others? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.
All relationships need to be nurtured in order to flourish. Marriage counselors like Chapman suggest getting to know your partner and nurturing your relationship in order for the partnership to last and thrive.
But the longest relationship you’ll ever be in is the one with yourself—you’re stuck with you.
Therefore, the most valuable thing you can do is invest in your relationship with yourself. When you do, you’ll reap benefits like:
Feeling more at peace
Feeling more connected to others
Feelings of worthiness
Higher creativity
Lower stress
More productivity
Better physical health
And the structure of the 5 Love Languages can help you uncover how to most effectively cultivate and express self-love.
For accountability and structure in building and sustaining a loving relationship with yourself, you can work with a Food Body Self® coach privately or in a group setting. Click here to see everything the Food Body Self® program has to offer.