The Poor Boundary-Setter’s Guide to Stronger Boundaries
Pop quiz: Do you have poor boundaries?
Here are a few questions to help you find out:
Do you find it difficult to say “no” to something when asked?
Are your wants/needs/feelings second to others?
Do you tend to take on other people's problems as your own?
Does your identity consist of what others want you to be?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you might have poor boundaries.
I’ve answered “yes” to each of those questions myself. For most of my life, I was so focused on pleasing others that I shoved all my needs and desires into a metaphorical box that I hid underneath the bed never to be opened. I believed this made me a better friend, daughter, significant other, and employee.
However, over time as I would push through complete exhaustion and fatigue to serve others, I realized I actually felt worse about myself because my desire to please others trumped my own needs. I was no longer a priority to myself, I no longer loved myself, and I no longer felt as though I was deserving of my own time and attention.
It was when I began to realize these thoughts and feelings that I knew something had to change. I needed to start taking care of myself.
The first step in self-care is boundary-setting because simply creating boundaries is an act of self-prioritizing.
Of course that doesn’t mean the process of creating and setting boundaries is going to be easy. During this process I feared that I would be seen as selfish by those in my life that had gotten used to my consistent availability—one of the most common fears of people with poor boundaries. Sitting with these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings is often the most difficult part of the boundary setting process, but crucial and gets easier over time (more on this below).
If you have weak boundaries, you’re probably wondering why.
Here’s what’s actually happening:
Probably not surprising to anyone, poor boundary setting is a learned behavior that stems from our childhood. From when we are young, we look to our caregivers to model and teach us the proper balance of dependency when needed and independence to explore and grow.
If our caregivers provide too much space for independence this creates feelings of abandonment, whereas not enough space leads to codependency (needing to be needed) and/or enmeshment (lack of privacy and individuality from another).
Both of these situations create significant issues to our ability to set proper boundaries, and can often make us feel like setting boundaries is disrespectful and selfish.
Even though having poor boundaries is not necessarily your fault, it is still your responsibility to turn the tendency around and practice strong boundary-setting.
Boundaries are necessary to protect our energy, health, safety, sense of self, and independence. They are our limits, both personally and physically that let ourselves and others know where they begin and where they end. Boundaries protect our physical, mental, and social spaces, and boundary setting is therefore one of the ultimate acts of self-care.
Setting stronger boundaries is going to take practice, and lots of it!
Here are some steps you can take to get started:
Choose an area of your life where you feel you would like/need to have more boundaries. (Would you like to disconnect from work at a certain time? Would you like to limit communication or topics of communication with a specific individual? Would you like to designate time for yourself every day without being available?)
Decide what your limits are and what will happen if these limits are crossed.
Communicate what your limits are and what you might need from those around you (keep it simple here, you do not need to over-explain).
Be mindful of any feelings of guilt that might arise. Sit in this discomfort, notice the feelings and thoughts that are coming up, but know you do not have to react to them (this will not be easy and will take practice, but you can do this! Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace, you are changing beliefs and behaviors that you have been there for quite some time)
Boundaries can be difficult to implement, especially for those of us that have neglected ourselves and our boundaries for a long while, but setting and implementing them does get easier over time, and if it’s something you struggle to do on your own, you can enlist the help of a Food Body Self coach.
Setting and maintaining strong boundaries will not only result in better overall mental and emotional well-being, but can also build greater self-esteem and independence, and help you avoid burnout.
And, boundary-setting is an excellent form of self-care and self-prioritization—both of which you deserve in abundance.