Overcoming Self-Betrayal and Reconnecting with Your Authentic Self
Have you ever repressed parts of yourself because you thought it was necessary in order to be loved or to fit in?
I know I have.
I used to have a very eclectic sense of style and loved wearing outfits that others often thought were weird or odd. That was until I felt ostracized enough to change my style to be more accepted by those around me.
Repression doesn’t just apply to your self-expression though. It also includes stuffing down your emotions and needs. So many of us sacrifice and hide our true authentic selves because it feels like a requirement to receive the care, attention, and love that we desire.
This type of repression is called self-betrayal.
Self-Betrayal & Its Signs
Self-betrayal is a common trauma response that stems from having been loved conditionally as a child.
If we were loved conditionally, we learned that in order to receive love and attention, we must repress our own feelings, desires, and needs. This understanding causes us to disconnect from our true self. It also instills fear of abandonment, rejection, punishment, and criticism if we attempt to be our true selves.
Ultimately the belief that we must smother parts of ourselves to earn love leads to a lack of trust in ourselves, and self-betrayal, which is predominantly unconscious, can lead to people pleasing, poor boundaries, self-sacrifice, and perfectionism.
What might this look like?
Putting the needs of others before our own needs
Deep fear of criticism
Changing ourselves to be who we think/know others want us to be
A constant need for approval
Silencing ourselves in order to keep the peace
Accepting less than we deserve
A desire to be saved/fixed/rescued
Crossing our own boundaries
Apologizing for things that are not our fault
If you recognize yourself in any of these symptoms, there is a way back to prioritizing yourself and regaining your sense of authenticity.
Beyond Self-Betrayal
Awareness is the first step to overcoming self-betrayal.
The key to this awareness is to notice when and how you betray yourself. What exactly do you do in those moments? What do you tell yourself?
For example, maybe you have a tendency to drop everything you have going on in order to help others. Initially, you might think you’re doing that to be of help to others, but this could be an example of putting the needs of others before your own needs. In which case, why is the need of others more important than your own?
After noticing how you initially behave and think in a scenario, you can consciously make the decision to prioritize yourself by focusing on what you want to think, feel, etc. This may be uncomfortable and possibly even scary the first few times, but being aware that the root of this uncomfortable feeling is the fear of abandonment, rejection, or criticism can help you to reframe your mindset.
Reframing Your Mindset
Once you have the awareness of when and how self-betrayal is present in your own life, and why you might experience resistance to prioritizing yourself, if that fear tries to prevent you from making a change, you can reframe your mindset by asking yourself if that fear has any validity to it.
Are you really going to be rejected or criticized by others for prioritizing your needs or desires? If so, do you really value the opinions of those individuals? Do you want individuals in your life that require you to repress yourself, your needs, or your desires, in order for you to be a part of their life?
You are the most important person in your life.
And you can use the power of your mindset to find the courage to push through your initial fear, so you can overcome self-betrayal and reconnect with your true authentic self.