Is the Self-Worth Paradox Sabotaging Your Goals?
I’ve seen this same paradox arise time and time again with countless individuals I’ve coached, where they believe that when they’re in control of their eating habits they’ll finally feel a sense of self-worth…but it’s precisely their lack of self-worth that impairs their progress towards changing their relationship with food.
I call this The Self-Worth Paradox:
Prolonging feelings of self-worth until after you accomplish a personal transformation can hinder your ability to achieve both your desired behavior change and a greater sense of self-worth.
Before we go too deep into how the Self-Worth Paradox works (and how to avoid the trap), let’s define what self-worth is.
My favorite explanation of self-worth comes from clinical psychologist Dr. Christina Hibbert:
Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing ‘I am greater than all of those things.’ It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am lovable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.
Hearing that, you might be wondering how a lack of self-worth sabotages your ability to change your eating and exercise behaviors. So, here’s a taste of what I’ve seen in coaching hundreds of clients through body and mind transformations.
Someone with low self-worth has thought processes that lead them to quit more easily:
When faced with challenges, they ask, "What’s the point?" rather than believing they can overcome obstacles, or that the effort is worth it.
They’re self-defeating because they lack hope that they’ll achieve their goals.
They lack confidence and self-belief. Fear of failure overshadows their desire to try.
They miss opportunities and can fall into all-or-nothing traps. For example, someone trying to exercise may believe they need a full hour at the gym for their efforts to be "worth it," so on a day they’re pressed for time they skip exercising altogether rather than getting in a shortened (but still beneficial) 20-minute workout.
As you can see, low self-worth leads to a lack of confidence, resilience, and hope. Not a great recipe for achieving your goals.
If you feel like your level of self-worth is currently handicapping you from accomplishing what you want to, instead of participating in an endless struggle, there’s an easier way.
The answer to the Self-Worth Paradox is to begin cultivating self-worth NOW.
Most people measure their self-worth based on things like their appearance (especially their body), income, possessions, social connections, career, and achievements.
But as a Food Body Self® reader, you and I know that you are not most people.
You know (deep down, I know you know) that your worth is not based on superficial values. You have an innate worth that cannot be reduced to dollars or trinkets.
So what you need to do is find reminders of that truth, and reclaim the parts of yourself that matter more than your status or appearance.
Here are four ways to get started:
Get to Know Yourself
Use the following questions to help understand who you are on a deeper level:
Who are you? No, not your job, your relationships, or your hobbies. Who are you? If everything you had was taken away from you, what would you have left? What are your strengths and weaknesses?
When you’ve taken an inventory of who you are, the next step is to ask: do you accept who you are?
If you can’t accept who you are, you may wish to...
Practice Self-Forgiveness
If you have trouble accepting yourself, you can work on forgiving yourself for the behaviors you would like to change. Even undesirable character traits, whether that’s habitually acting short-tempered, lazy, critical, or anything else, can be changed, and they don’t make up who you are at your core; they’re expressions of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. But you do need to take responsibility for your actions, as well as how they affect yourself and others.
If you do have qualities you would like to change, remember this does not preclude you from feeling kindness, tolerance, compassion, and acceptance toward yourself. You are just as deserving of these now as at any other time.
You can cultivate these feelings by...
Softening Your Self-Talk
Commit to valuing yourself despite any perceived flaws. If you’re in the habit of speaking to yourself negatively, you can unlearn that habit, and replace your self-talk with kindness, compassion, and empathy.
Another way to clean up your mental environment is to...
Stop Comparing
Remind yourself that someone else has no bearing on your innate worth.
Comparison often leads to negativity. If you perceive someone else as more valuable because of their [appearance/status/accomplishments], you’ll feel bad. If you perceive yourself as more valuable because of your [appearance/status/accomplishments], you diminish their worth, and you’ll feel bad as soon as you encounter someone you place on a higher rung than you.
The beliefs you hold about your self-worth impact every area of your life.
When you go through life believing, "I’m not good enough," it pervades every explanation you make about your behavior, your past, and your capabilities.
Here are a few examples:
A child believing they’re not lovable because one or both parents neglected them—a story that carries through into all your adult relationships.
Feeling burnt out because you put the needs of others first because you don’t believe you deserve to be a priority.
Staying in a relationship you know you should leave because you don’t believe anyone else would want you.
Neglecting your physical health because you don’t care about yourself.
Undercharging for your services because you don’t believe you’re worth more.
These life circumstances, and the stress they induce, in turn impact your relationships with food and your body—which is why self-worth is the third pillar of Food Body Self®.
However, unhelpful thoughts, including those that contribute to low self-worth, are often habitual—they arise automatically. And you have the power to change your habits.
Additionally, your experiences, positive and negative, can affect your mental landscapes. You may never have been taught that you are inherently valuable and worthy. And you may have never been taught that you can change your thoughts, or shown how (until now).
That’s all to say: if you experience low feelings of self-worth, it may not be your fault.
You can change your thoughts, your feelings, and your behaviors, and in doing so, you can recognize your worth.
With your self-worth affirmed, you can slice through self-sabotage and open yourself up to a world of possibilities for new, desirable thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—that include maintaining control of your eating habits, feeling confident in your body, and acting with kindness to yourself.
Note: This article was originally published on October 1, 2019 and was revised on February 23, 2023.