Why You Can’t Hate Yourself Thin
There’s a crushing amount of pressure on individuals in contemporary Western cultures to achieve the “ideal” body.
Everywhere you look, you’re bombarded with images of faces and bodies that have undergone plastic surgery, airbrushing, and filtering. And it’s not just celebrities anymore—social media “influencers” are perpetuating the idea that only a narrow pool of facial features and body types are desirable.
What’s more, because we’re seeing these images more frequently, we’re led to believe that they’re more widespread than they actually are, which can make us feel like outsiders for looking different.
None of this is true, nor is it helpful when it comes to our mental health.
But with the amount of time that we spend taking in these images and messages, it’s easy to subconsciously fall into the trap of thinking there is a way that you should look, or that you “need” to look a certain way in order to be admired or desired.
Along the way, we end up turning against ourselves, beginning with dissatisfaction for the features we were born with, often blooming into fully-fledged hatred for the way we look and even who we are as people.
Many individuals falsely assume they can use deep resentment as fuel to change. And one of the most pervasive changes desired in our society is to lose weight.
I recently suggested examining your body image through the lens of imitative desire in order to determine if a weight loss goal is authentically yours or not, and have also discussed why weight loss isn’t always the best goal if you want to improve your health. (This is relevant because we often tell ourselves we want to lose weight for our health when ultimately it’s our looks that are the driving force.)
So with those topics aside, today I want to talk about why self-hate is not a sustainable way to achieve lasting change.
Why can't you hate yourself thin?
First, self-hate is not motivating. When you approach your goals from a place of self-loathing, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Negative self-talk and self-criticism are more often counterproductive, leading to feelings of shame and guilt that can trigger emotional eating and other unhealthy behaviors.
Self-hate perpetuates a cycle of negativity. When we hate ourselves, we’re more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors like binge eating or restrictive dieting. These behaviors can further induce negative self-talk and self-criticism, creating a vicious cycle of shame and guilt.
Conversely, self-love is a powerful motivator. When you approach your goals from a place of self-acceptance and self-care, you’re more likely to make positive changes that stick. And you’re more likely to prioritize self-care habits like eating a flexible, balanced diet, getting enough sleep, and engaging in physical activity when you view these behaviors as acts of love and compassion for yourself.
Rather than relying on self-hate, you can instead focus on cultivating supportive self-talk and self-compassion. This means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend, acknowledging your imperfections and mistakes without judging yourself harshly, and recognizing that you’re deserving of love and respect, regardless of your perceived shortcomings.
4 Ways to Cultivate Self-Love
So, if self-hate isn't going to help you change your body or feel any happier, how can you love yourself to wellness? Here are a few tips:
Focus on nourishing your body, not depriving it.
Add nourishing foods into your diet instead of focusing on the foods you want to restrict. Incorporate previously restricted foods into your diet in a way that feels balanced to you. Eat foods that you love and find energizing, and find ways to prepare that celebrate and enhance your enjoyment of them.
Prioritize self-care.
Take time for yourself each day to engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This might include taking a walk, playing with a pet, reading a book, or practicing yoga.
Transform negative self-talk.
When you notice negative thoughts creeping in, catch yourself in the act and remind yourself that you’re practicing a new form of self-talk. When you notice yourself saying, "I hate my body," you might replace it with, "My body deserves respect," or “I’m practicing treating my body with kindness.”
Find your people.
Seek out social support from friends or family members who reflect the mindset you want and who leave you feeling better about yourself. You can also find support through online communities or coaching.
Self-love—not self-hate—is the key to lasting change.
By focusing on nourishing your body and mind with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that come from a place of self-love, you can build a foundation of self-acceptance and self-compassion that will support you on your journey toward better mental and physical health and greater well-being.